Good evening, comrades, and welcome back to the second-best robot-combat-list-based content on the internet from the fourth-best football/robot combat/socialist history website there is. It is, of course, the power rankings.
If last week’s list was an unorganised mess, well, you ain’t seen nothing yet, kids. This sh*t is becoming harder to rank by the episode. During last week’s bout of destruction, we saw HUGE and Rotator finally claim a victory, another two bots join the 3-0 club, and Skorpios sunk Tombstone to an unprecedented 1-2 record. Things have been blown wide open now. 43 bots currently sit with a win to their name, making this the most competitive season of the show to date. It also makes accurately ranking each and every one of them a monumental challenge, but one that I’ve committed to nonetheless. And remember, before you come at me in the comments, that this is both just my opinion, and reflective of the current state of affairs. Some bots might look too high or too low to you, but bear in mind there are a lot still to have their third fight, meaning that there is still a lot of room for change. With 18 bots currently on 1-1, pretty much all of them have a fighting chance at the championship.
A quick note on last week’s episode – there will be a review of it soon, probably about the same time as the episode 9 review, but it’s not been the best of weeks for me, so that review is going to have to be pushed back a little bit. Not that many people were clambering for it to begin with, but it’s worth stating anyway.
1. Bloodsport (3-0) +2
Safely into the top 32 with an impressive 3-0 record. A measured, if not spectacular win over Chronos wasn’t the statement win we were expecting, but hopefully that just means it’s saving its best for the top 32.
2. Uppercut (2-0) -1
Remains second despite having only fought twice, but they’re two KOs that have left a lasting impression on us. Hopefully we’ll see it fight again next week and deliver some more epic hits.
3. Jackpot (3-0) +5
Somehow Jackpot is at 3-0. Who’d have thought it after that luck it got against SubZero? But a thrashing of Ghost Raptor and surprisingly awesome display against Lockjaw look set to give it a high seeding.
4. Mad Catter (3-0) -2
Another unexpected 3-0, Mad Martin Mason & co. have vanquished Fusion, Ribbot, and Malice, with mostly minimal fuss, to secure a spot in the top 32.
5. Copperhead (2-0) -1
Two KO’s after using it’s weapon about four times in total so far. Looks like another surprise contender this season.
6. Skorpios (2-1) +16
Three horizontal bars faced and two KO’s, including the mighty Tombstone itself. I’m still not sure how it kept working for as long as it did, but it did, and claimed a win that will put it respectably high up in the rankings.
7. Black Dragon (2-0) -1
Not a bot we’ve seen at its best so far this season, but began to show glimpses of its full power against Claw Viper. Should still be in the top 32 regardless of the result of its third fight.
8. Valkyrie (2-0) +1
Currently riding high into the top 32, more by way of its spectacular win over Rotator than its lucky win over Tantrum. Who knows what its final fight will bring?
9. Lockjaw (2-1) -4
Remains in the top 10 for now by virtue of its completed record, but it was beaten pretty comprehensively by the rookie Jackpot. Expect it to slide down the rankings as other bots climb above it.
10. Malice (2-1) =
Still rounding out the top 10 (for now) after a solid campaign from the rookie bot. A test against an (established) elite bot would be welcome in the top 32.
11. Hydra (2-0) =
Since Hydra is still waiting for the controversy from “rack-gate” to blow over, I’m standing firm and keeping it out of the top 10.
12. SubZero (2-1) =
Has looked much improved this season, albeit against some pretty weak opposition. Will be interesting to see how it fares against the tournament’s elite.
13. Beta (2-0) =
Outside the top 10 because it beat up my beloved Rusty and nothing else. Just kidding, it’ll need a dominant hammer display against a top bot to have a chance at cracking the top 10.
14. End Game (1-1) =
Been a while since we saw it go up in smoke against Bloodsport. Will have a massive fight against Hypershock next week to fully prove its street cred.
15. SawBlaze (1-1) =
Kicked things off with a dominant win over Whiplash, but was half-exploded against Uppercut. Will most likely be given a lower-tier opponent to finish the regular season with.
16. Whiplash (1-1) =
Was beaten resoundingly by the aforementioned SawBlaze, but looked back to form against Gruff. Again, should be given a slightly easier opponent to end the regular season with a 2-1 record, and still remains my pick for the Giant Nut.
17. Gruff (1-1) =
Torched Hypershock into submission, but was outdriven and outclassed by the aforementioned Whiplash. Just outside the top 16 for now, but expect to see it in the end-of-season tournament.
18. Hypershock (1-1) =
Another excuse to use my new favourite word, the “aforementioned” Gruff claimed an awesome KO over the Will Bales hype train, before the train whacked Mammoth straight into submission. Needs a big display against End Game next week.
19. Kraken (1-2) -12
Feels harsh to put them as the biggest drop this week, because this is probably the highest you’ll see a bot with a negative record. It’s gone through three crushing fights against elite opponents, taking all three to the judges and claiming an awesome win over Witch Doctor. Fully deserves a spot in the championship.
20. SlamMow (2-0) =
You’d be forgiven for missing the fact that SlamMow officially moved to 2-0 last week, because Chris Rose just casually mentioned that it followed up its win over Pain Train with a KO over War? EZ!, without any accompanying footage. So yeah, I guess this is a thing now.
21. Ribbot (2-1) +9
Has boosted its rank significantly after cruising to a win over Axolotl. Hasn’t looked at its best this season, but maybe the team have something up their sleeves for the championship?
22. Fusion (2-1) +3
After a whirlwind fight against War? EZ!, where it looked both awesome and hopeless at the same time, the Whyachi clan’s other bot should make it to the top 32, even if both its KO’s were against pretty weak sauce rookies.
23. Rotator (1-2) +18
The week’s joint-biggest mover after a much-needed win over Big Dill, and what a win it was. Victor Soto didn’t hold back and split the dill into several slightly smaller dills. A late surge towards a championship spot.
24. HUGE (1-2) +18
The other joint-biggest mover of the week, my beloved HUGE throws itself back into bracket contention after a plundering win over Kraken. This is what it can do when it faces other robots instead of mobile bike racks #notbitter.
25. Tombstone (1-2) -6
I mean Tombstone has to be in the top 32, right? … Right?! It’s not like it put in a drab display against Skorpios, it just seemed to fall foul of its wheel coming loose. It’s not been a straight-forward season for the King of Kinetic Energy, but we should still see it in the top 32. If it adds wheelguards, amirite folks?
26. Chomp (1-0) -5
Finally we get to see this walking behemoth again after so many weeks away. Has a potentially tricky fight against HiJinx that will probably determine its championship credentials.
27. Tantrum (1-1) -4
The little orange box that could still sees itself in top 32 contention after a ruthless beating of Atom #94. May yet throw up a shock in its final fight.
28. Mammoth (1-1) -4
I’m still not sure whether this is a fair ranking for Mammoth or not – yes, that victory over HUGE was epic, but its display against Hypershock was anything but. Here’s hoping it gets given an easy OOTA for its last fight.
29. Claw Viper (1-1) -2
The jury’s still out on Claw Viper – which version will we see in fight three? The one that easily took care of HiJinx or the one that was wholly outclassed by Black Dragon?
30. Captain Shrederator (1-1) -2
Has Shrederator finally fixed all its reliability issues? That’s a great question that I’m sure will be answered in its next fight. But its win over Axe Backwards was a good sign.
31. Perfect Phoenix (1-1) -2
It’s still hard to determine Perfect Phoenix’s true quality. An easy win over Extinguisher and a bullying at the hands of Skorpios are what we have so far. Hopefully fight three will set the record straight.
32. Gigabyte (1-1) -1
Emo Gigabyte may be on the road to recovery after its easy KO over Extinguisher, but it still needs to pull off a win in its last fight to have a chance of going through.
33. Shatter (1-1) -1
Another hard one to judge this season. Stumbled its way through to a victory over Ghost Raptor before controversially falling short against Malice. A big time hammer display is much needed.
34. Big Dill (1-2) -8
It may be the funniest sh*t I ever seen, but its top 32 hopes are fading by the minute. Picked apart ruthlessly by Rotator to essentially leave its fate out of its own hands.
35. Deadlift (1-0) -2
Still has just the one untelevised win to its name. Will need to make a convincing appearance soon to have a shot at the top 32.
36. Tracer (1-2) -2
A comfortable win over Bale Spear sadly does not make up for it being flipped over easily in its other two fights. Not holding out much hope here.
37. Slap Box (1-1) -2
Spluttered its way over the line against Sharko after a beating at the hands of Tombstone. With two opponents at opposite ends of the spectrum, it’s still a bit hard to gage this one’s chances.
38. HiJinx (1-1) -2
Needs a big display against Chomp this week to boost it into the top 32. An untelevised win and an easy beating just aren’t championship material.
39. Rusty (1-1) -2
My dear Rusty. All that time spent in the top 32 seems like a distant memory now. And knowing the cruel universe in which we live it’ll probably have f*cking Uppercut in its last fight.
40. War? EZ! (1-2) NEW ENTRY
So War? EZ! only made its television debut last week, but it enters here with a fully complete record. Turns out that in addition to being yeeted across the box by Fusion, it got suplexed by SlamMow and also nabbed a win against Axolotl, both deemed unsuitable for TV. Somehow I don’t see it scraping into the top 32, barring a miracle.
41. SMEEEEEEEEEEEEE (1-1) -3
In a world of untelevised fights its a wonder how this thing has currently had two shown in full. Dull fights, dull performances, most likely not a top 32 challenger.
42. Pain Train (1-1) -3
Somehow has a win to its name despite its weapon literally falling off as it did. A disappointing debut showing that probably won’t result in a tournament berth.
43. P1 (1-1) -3
All we’ve seen from it on our screens so far is a flipping good loss against Copperhead. Not one I expect to see much more of.
44. Gamma 9 (0-1) -1
On to the 14 bots yet to register a win, we haven’t seen Gamma 9 since it had its skull caved in by Chomp. Who knows if we’ll see it again?
45. Witch Doctor (0-2) -1
Considering 43 bots currently have wins to their name, it’s pretty incredible that last year’s runner-up isn’t one of them. Surely it can claim a win in its last fight as squeeze its way into the top 32?
46. Ghost Raptor (0-2) -1
A truly underwhelming return for the Raptor clan. 0-2 after looking mostly useless for the most part of this season.
47. Chronos (0-2) =
Surprisingly held its own up against Bloodsport, but still sits at 0-2 without much hope of moving up any further.
48. Sharko (0-2) -2
A beautiful bot and an eccentric builder, but sadly its swan song campaign doesn’t look like it’ll result in a top 32 spot.
49. Axe Backwards (0-2) -1
On fire and down a wheel, it’s just your typical Axe Backwards campaign.
50. Sporkinok (0-2) -1
A poor showing from everyone’s favourite culinary-themed bot, and looks to be bowing out with a whimper.
51. Gemini (0-1) -1
Seriously, where has Gemini gone? Apart from flying out of the arena. And home.
52. Atom #94 (0-2) -1
It’s been a poor debut showing from Atom #94. Clearly a Ray Billings tactical sabotage taking place.
53. Aegis (0-1) -1
Will the team ever get Aegis fixed? Even if they do I doubt we’ll be seeing much more of it.
54. Grabot (0-1) -1
Probably gave up after being thrown about by SubZero. Would explain why we haven’t seen them again.
55. Axolotl (0-2) NEW ENTRY
Sliding in on a spectacular 0-2 record, I don’t think we’re seeing a late surge for the title here. Beaten all too easily both on and off the screen.
56. Bale Spear (0-2) -2
Unless Bale Spear can pull off an incredible win over the likes of SawBlaze or Hydra in its next fight, I can’t see it moving up much further.
57. Extinguisher (0-2) -2
Keeps its place at the bottom of the pile for another week. Maybe it’ll be the first bot this season to go 0-3? That’s an achievement in its own right.
And so another power ranking list comes to its inevitable end. It’s been another wild ride as this season gets even more competitive and harder to give exact placements to all those involved. Who knows how the top 32 will look, but I like to think I’ve done an alright job at it.
We’ve only got two episodes left of the regular season to sort out the bracket, so expect plenty of drama over the coming week or so. It also turns out this season is only 14 episodes long, not 16 as I had originally posited, so we’ve still got the fates of over half the field to sort out in very little time. Expect plenty of untelevised wins, recap montages, and some bots being completely forgotten about altogether.
That’s all for now, comrades. Stay safe, and happy bot viewing.